A peek into the swinging world

An introduction to the lifestyle for the curious.

So, you’ve heard about swinging. Perhaps you’ve wondered what actually goes on behind those closed doors, perhaps you’ve had a few conversations with friends who are involved, or perhaps you’ve found yourself Googling the subject late one evening!

Whatever brought you here, welcome. Pull up a chair, darling. There’s quite a bit to discover.

And before we go any further, let’s clear something up. The lifestyle isn’t exclusively for couples. Singles, polycules, people in open relationships, kinksters and all sorts of wonderfully interesting people are part of this community. You don’t need to fit a particular mould to be curious or to get involved.

So, What Exactly Is Swinging?

Swinging is a fairly broad umbrella term for consensually exploring sexual experiences with people outside your usual relationship, often together with your partner.

For some couples, that might mean flirting, watching or being watched. For others, it involves playing with another couple, exploring group experiences or meeting people individually.

Some people prefer the term lifestylers, while others happily call themselves swingers. Even the word itself can mean different things to different people.

For some, it conjures up images of Austin Powers, polyester shirts and those legendary 1970s parties where everyone supposedly put their keys in a bowl.

For the record, whilst I’ve been to my fair share of lifestyle parties, I’ve never actually been to a party where keys and bowls were involved! And frankly, the idea of everyone randomly picking someone else’s keys sounds like a recipe for a very awkward Monday morning.

But there are certainly people who enjoy a bit of retro seventies glamour, and some wonderfully extravagant dinner parties where dessert is perhaps a little more adventurous than your average pavlova!

The important thing to understand is that there’s no single definition of swinging, and no single way to participate.

What Do People Actually Get Up To?

Well, that’s where things get interesting!

For some couples, swinging starts with simply attending a party where other people are playing. They might enjoy watching, flirting and soaking up the atmosphere without getting physically involved with anyone else.

Others enjoy having sex with their own partner in a social environment where others can watch. Some like soft swapping, where couples play together but reserve certain sexual activities (like penetration) for their own partners. Others enjoy full swapping, where they have sex with people from another couple.

There are also people who prefer playing in separate rooms, or who have arrangements that allow them to explore independently.

And it’s not just about couples. A single woman might enjoy meeting couples, a single man might be invited to join an established couple, and people in polyamorous relationships may have quite different ways of enjoying the lifestyle.

Some people are interested in the social side, others in the sexual side, and plenty enjoy a combination of both.

There really is no one-size-fits-all approach.

It’s Not All About the Bedrooms!

One of the biggest misconceptions about the lifestyle is that every gathering is some sort of enormous sexual free-for-all.

Far from it!

Lifestyle gatherings come in all shapes and sizes, and the atmosphere can vary enormously.

Commercial lifestyle clubs

Places such as CCK provide a dedicated environment for people to socialise, meet others and explore. You can go along, enjoy the facilities, have a drink, watch what’s happening and take things entirely at your own pace.

There’s no obligation to play. You might spend the evening chatting with people, flirting, watching or simply enjoying the atmosphere. Or, you might decide it just feels right to let loose and get at it like rabbits – you can, darling.

Larger private house parties

These can be wonderful fun. A host might invite a fairly large group of couples and singles into their home, with plenty of opportunity to mingle and get to know people.

With a larger gathering, there’s usually enough going on that you can blend into the crowd. You can spend time at the bar, chat with different people, watch what’s happening or find someone you’d like to get to know better.

You can take your time and decide whether anything develops.

Smaller, intimate parties

These are a rather different proposition. Perhaps three or four couples getting together in someone’s home for an evening, or maybe a hotel suite.

They can be wonderfully social and intimate, but there’s less opportunity to disappear into the crowd. If everyone else has paired off and you’re the only couple left sitting on the sofa drinking tea and watching Shortland Street reruns, it can get a little awkward!

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with simply enjoying the company, but it’s worth understanding the difference between a large gathering and a small, intimate party before accepting an invitation. Communication is your biggest ally here – tell your host that your new to the scene. You’ll be amazed at how accommodating people will be.

Coffee dates and social catch-ups

Not every lifestyle connection starts at a party.

You might meet someone online (On Spice Me Up Lucy, of course), have a lovely conversation and decide to catch up for a coffee. No play expected, no pressure, just an opportunity to see whether there’s any chemistry in person.

If you hit it off, you might arrange another get-together, perhaps something a little more adventurous.

Lifestyle social evenings

Some people organise gatherings at ordinary bars, cafes or wine bars, inviting several couples and singles along for a drink and a chat.

Gage and I have organised a couple of these ourselves at Lime Bar on Ponsonby Road. It’s a tiny, perfectly ordinary bar with room for about 50 or so people.

On one occasion, we had 17 of us turn up – mostly couples, along with a couple of our favourite single guys and gals.

It was rather like taking over the bar!

There was no playing going on, of course – it’s a public bar. It was just a group of people who knew each other, enjoyed each other’s company and were perfectly comfortable showing a little affection.

There were hugs, cuddles and some fairly enthusiastic greetings with full-on lip kisses as people arrived.

We weren’t doing anything particularly inappropriate, but the amount of affectionate cross-over between couples was probably a little outside the usual Friday night bar experience.

I suspect a few of the other patrons wondered whether they’d accidentally wandered into an alternative universe where the usual social rules had been temporarily suspended!

And that’s the point. Sometimes the social connections are just as enjoyable as the parties themselves.

The People Make the Lifestyle

Something that often surprises newcomers is just how much of the lifestyle is about friendship.

You might meet a couple at a party, discover you have plenty in common and end up spending time together socially without ever playing with them.

You might find yourself becoming part of a wider friendship group, attending parties together, organising dinners or simply catching up for a drink.

Some people have a handful of very close lifestyle friends, while others enjoy meeting new people and expanding their social circles.

There’s no requirement for every friendship to become sexual, and plenty of wonderful connections never do.

Is It All a Bit Intimidating?

It can be!

For someone who has never attended a lifestyle event, the thought of walking into a room where people might be flirting, undressing or having sex can be quite daunting.

But remember, everyone was new once.

You don’t have to arrive knowing exactly what you’re comfortable with, and you certainly don’t have to participate in anything.

You can attend a social event, have a drink, meet a few people and simply enjoy the environment.

You might discover that the lifestyle isn’t quite what you imagined. You might find it fascinating, exciting and full of wonderful people. Or you might decide it’s not for you.

All perfectly fine.

A Few Things Worth Understanding

There are some fundamentals that underpin a healthy lifestyle community.

Consent is essential. Nobody owes anyone attention, affection or sexual participation simply because they’ve attended a party.

People have different interests, boundaries and expectations. Some are very experienced, others are just starting out, and everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

Privacy matters too. People have different reasons for keeping their involvement discreet, and that’s something the community should respect.

And finally, don’t assume that everyone is looking for the same thing. Ask, communicate and be honest about what you’re interested in.

Curious Enough to Find Out More?

If you’ve made it this far, perhaps your curiosity is getting the better of you!

The lifestyle is a wonderfully diverse world, full of interesting people, different experiences and opportunities to explore things you might never have considered.

You don’t need to rush into anything, and you don’t need to have everything figured out before you get involved.

Start by meeting people, having conversations and discovering what’s out there. Chatting to more experienced members on Spice Me Up Lucy can be a great start – be frank, and tell them you’re just starting out in your journey and aren’t completely sure it’s for you, yet.

And who knows? You might find yourself wondering why you didn’t take a peek sooner.

Lucy x